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mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><b>‘Ah’lar ağacı</b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">‘Ahlat ahların ağacıydı,<br /> Yaşlanmaya başlayanların,<br /> İtiraf edilememiş aşkların,<br /> Evde kalmış kızların.<br /> Ahlat ahların ağacıydı,<br /> Cezayir nasıl cezaların ülkesiyse,<br /> Öyleydi işte.’</b><br /> <br /> Bu satırların yer aldığı ‘Ah’lar ağacı, şairinin anlattığı kadarıyla Ahlat ağacının ta kendisi olsa da 2002 yılında Everest Yayınevi’nden çıkan bir şiir kitabının adıydı aslında. Az buz değil, şairi sesinin tonunu emanet etmişti o ağaca. Şairi ise Didem Madak’tı o ahların.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">‘Bir zamanlar kendimi<br /> Bulunmaz Hint kumaşı sanmıştım<br /> Kaç metredir benim yokluğum?<br /> Benden daha çok var sanmıştım.<br /> Benim yokluğumdan dünyaya<br /> Bir elbise çıkar sanmıştım.<br /> Dünyanın çıplaklığına bakmaya utanmadan <br /> Sonunda ben de alıştım.<br /> Ah dedim sonra<br /> Ah!’</b><br /> <br /> Bu hafta yitirdiğimiz Madak’ın ikinci kitabıydı bu ah’a saklı olan. Bu yitirişin ardından ölüme inat dirilen satırlar eşliğinde kitabın özgeçmiş bölümünde yazılanlara takılıp kalıyordu yüreğiniz: <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal">‘Ruhunu ütüsüz ve buruşuk gezdirmeyi sevdiğinden hiçbir zaman yeterince düzgün insan olamadı.’</b> <br /> <br /> Düzgün insan mı diye tekrarlıyordunuz onu. Aklınıza kurallarla çevrili yaşamlar düşüveriyordu o zaman. Yüksek sesler, buyurgan bir şeyler, sanki sonu hiç gelmeyecekmiş gibi dünyayı dolaşan hırslar. Ama o çok daha serinkanlıydı satırlarıyla, satırlarına ruh bulduran sözcükleriyle. Ne de olsa gerçek şairdi, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">‘vasiyetimdir: bin ahımın hakkı toprağa kalsın’</b> diyen bir şair, yaşamı anlayan nadir şahıslardan. Meczuplardan hemen önce, azizlerden biraz sonra bir yerlerde duran, bakan, gören, çığlıklarıyla susan.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">‘Bıçağın ucundaydı insanların hafızası<br /> İnsan unutandır<br /> Ve insan unutulmaya mahkûm olandır.<br /> Tanrı şöyle derdi o zaman:<br /> Ah!’</b></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Unutmayandı şair. Belki de bu yüzden <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal">‘düzgün bir insan’</b> olamamıştı! Yine de hepimiz gibi, hepimizinkine yakın bir kaderin, yazgının içinden seyretmişti dünyayı. Ne de olsa ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">yazgısını yaldızlı çokomel kağıtları gibi tırnaklarıyla düzeltemiyordu insan</b>’ ve o zaman hepimiz gibi soruyordu yaşama:</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">‘Kara yazgımı şimdi kim bilir<br /> Hangi kitabın arasında saklıyorsun tanrım?<br /> Ah... dedim sonra<br /> Ah!’</b></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Bir başka vasiyetini ‘<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">dalgınlığınıza gelmek istiyorum ve kaybolmak o dalgınlıkta’</b> diye anlatan Didem Madak’ı çok erken kaybettik.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">Bütün ahlar gibi bir ah çektik sonra. İçinde biraz pişmanlık, biraz öfke, çokça özlem barındıran.</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">‘Bir zamanlar meydan okumak isterdim.<br /> Kaç meydanını okudum da bu hayatın.<br /> Yalnızca iki harf öğrendim:<br /> A<br /> H!’</b></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Ah Didem Ah. Erken giden kadın yine gel!</p> <p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal">‘Güçlü bir el silkeledi beni sonra<br /> Sanırım tanrının eliydi,<br /> Sayamadım kaç ah döküldü dallarımdan,<br /> Çok şey görmüşüm gibi,<br /> Ve çok şey geçmiş gibi başımdan<br /> Ah dedim sonra,<br /> Ah!<br /> ...<br /> Gel!<br /> Ahlar ağacından sen de biraz meyve topla.’</b></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Rüyalardaki ahlat ağacını seyrederken, Didem’i ve sözcüklerini düşünürken böyle bir yazı çıktı. Bir müddet ona ve ahlarına baktığımda defterden hoyratça koparılmış bir kağıt gibi hissedeceğim kendimi.</p>